Mourning The Loss Of MY Plans

Tomorrow I turn 25.

Let me say that more than anything I’m so excited to be turning 25. Does being 25 make you an official adult?! Either way, I’m thrilled and excited to see what the next 25 years hold.

However, a friend once told me that 25 was her hardest birthday.

She was single.

I didn’t really understand that because even though birthdays can be somewhat tough when you’re single, I just adore birthdays. Truly, they’re so fun for me. And I don’t just mean my birthday, I like to make a big deal out of everyone’s birthday. So I’ve done everything I can to try to avoid having a stinky 25th birthday.

But Friday night when I got in bed I just lost it. A meltdown might be a more appropriate term.

I’m just being completely honest and vulnerable here in hopes that I can encourage somebody.

There were multiple reasons why the meltdown occurred, but what I’m positive pushed me over the edge was my birthday.

25.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had every minute of my little life planned out since I was a little girl.

My wedding that was supposed to happen after I graduated from college. Then the babies that were supposed to come. Then we’d grow old together and so on and so forth. You get the picture.

Even when I turned 24 I had this little glimmer of hope that maybe this would be the year. That surely the Lord would bless me in that way. That I’d turn 25 entering into a different season of life.

Clearly, I’m on the last day of being 24 and there’s no husband. No boyfriend. And certainly no children. Same season.

To say I was overwhelmed and even, yes, disappointed would be an understatement. I felt like I couldn’t gain control of my emotions.

It was then, though, that it dawned on me. As silly as I felt, it was a release I needed more than anything. I realized that at that moment, I was mourning the loss of my dreams and plans not coming true. I felt like I was sitting at a funeral of a dear friend, and quite frankly, I was. I was mourning the loss of my plans.

I’ve held onto my dreams, my plans and my hopes for so long and so hard that I’ve never fully handed them to Christ to let Him deal with them and maybe even change my heart or my dreams.

As much as I wanted to be angry with Him and disappointed with Him for not granting my every wish, I was more disappointed in myself. I’m the one who’s hung onto them so tightly when He’s the one who’s been so faithful and hasn’t promised anything He’s not then given to me. He’s promised me Himself. The end. And that is enough. Anything beyond that is a blessing.

Most episodes that occur like that I would consider a pity party, but I honestly believe it was a releasing of my plans to Him. Fully surrendering my plans that I’ve held onto for so long. I don’t know why I continue to hold onto my plans so tightly when time and time again they’ve left me empty and disappointed. But I’m human.

So tomorrow even though I’m not entering into a different season, I’m definitely entering into a different perspective.

Some peoples’ lives go exactly as they have planned to the T. Mine has not.

As soul crushing as that can be, I’m thankful for the sanctification. I’m thankful to know He is still working major things out in my very flawed humanness. I’m thankful to know He’s not done with me yet. I’m thankful to know that I believe in a God of hope. A God who does have greater plans for me than I can imagine. I’m thankful for a God who comforts me at my weakest hour even when it’s me who’s messed up. I’m thankful that He has compassion on me and that He hears me. And I'm more than thankful that I realize my need for a Savior.

Last year I memorized Proverbs 19:21 and I think now more than ever I’m holding onto it and claiming it for dear life. If that isn’t the theme verse of my life, I don’t know what is.

Many, many are the plans in my heart and many, many are the plans that have been crushed. But the Lords purpose and plans will never fall to the ground. Never. I’m taking that one, as Beth Moore would say, to the spiritual bank.

Tomorrow I’m praying for joy. The truth is, who can honestly have a rough birthday when you’re surrounded by friends and family that make you feel exceptionally loved? Either way, I will choose joy. I needed that moment Friday night. But I can't stay in that state. It's unhealthy. And quite frankly, after that release I don't think I've ever felt more free or more joy at that moment.

And even when I think my life should go entirely different than He might have planned, I trust Him. I honestly do. Yes, I’ll continue to wrestle with Him and surrender to Him, but I trust Him.

A girl can still hope. And a girl can still dream. But a girl needs to be careful and wise in how she plans. Because the Lords plans will always trump my own.