Immeasurably More

Every year no matter what holiday comes around whether it be Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas, my heart tends to get a little heavy. And by heavy, I mean sad.

I have to be really honest and tell you that I even hesitated typing that, because with Christmas being three days away, I know the last thing you want to hear about is a single girl complaining about her singleness. But it’s my heart, and I’m hoping more than anything I can encourage another single girl out there.

If I could ignore every feeling that came with waiting, I would. Because sometimes the feeling hurts. I hate it that at certain moments I could cry at the drop of a hat. I hate it that I LOVE getting Christmas cards from my sweet friends, but then dream one day about creating my own Christmas card with my family. I hate it that I’m so selfish and my eyes are constantly on me. And more than anything, I hate that in those times I’m dwelling on the things that I don’t have rather than spending time dwelling on the enormous blessings I do have.

And the blessings I do have are countless.

I have a wonderful, loving, very fun and hilarious family.

I have the most amazing friends in the entire world that love me very well. Younger, older and just my age.

I have a very warm, comfortable apartment that I can call my own.

I have a job that I adore and provides for me to live a very comfortable life.

I have Jesus and that means I’m changed for the better, marked and sealed for life and death.

I have a lot of scarves to keep my neck warm.

I have some pretty funny roommates.

I have plenty of Tex-Mex around me to keep me fed seven days a week, and then some.

I have, I have, I have, but I want, want, want.

I know, it’s really pitiful. It’s not about me, but I’m making it all about me and that makes me want to puke.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my desire to have a husband and family, because every now and then I doubt that will ever come to fruition.

After 25 years, it’s yet to happen, and although I know 25 is still young, you really start to play mind games with yourself. I'm only getting older, not younger. My world is a constant mind game.

Will I get to spend my next birthday with someone I love? How about next Christmas?

It’s the fear and the doubt of the unknown that really starts to mess with you.

I have been begging the Lord more recently to fill every void in my heart I may feel.

Let’s be honest, there are thousands of people going through much tougher circumstances than I ever dream to be dealing with.

I truly believe that if we beg, He grants, but only if it brings Him the greatest glory.

It has been so amazing the peace and joy I’ve felt this month.

Even though the desire to be married is still very much exploding in my heart, I’m believing God for bigger things.

Things bigger than myself, my heart or my imaginations.

I don’t just want to be that cute girl who blogs well, dresses cute, works at a church and posts cute facebook profile pictures.

I want to be a girl that reflects Jesus everywhere I go. I want people to be drawn to me out of my love and desire to know and be loved by Him more than my cute shoes.

I don’t know a lot of girls that have walked in my shoes. Girls that have not even been asked on a date. I don’t say that in a prideful manner, I mean honestly, what girl wants to admit that? That alone can cause lots of anxiety and questions. And while my heart and mind are far from pure and perfect, I have to believe that God IS up to something greater than myself. I have to claim that.

As Beth Moore said a few ago, and something I’m still holding onto, “Blessed are you when what comes naturally to others comes supernaturally to you!” At this point, I’m claiming my man to be supernatural. Well, he may not be supernatural and perfect, but when the Lord provides I’ll consider it to be supernatural. I'll be like Mary in Luke 1:45 claiming my belief that He who said He is faithful, really is.

2011 may not be the year I meet my man. It may not be the year I get asked on a date. It will undoubtedly be a year I cry over my singleness every now and then, it’s just reality. I’m still very much a girl asking and waiting on a boy to love her. (Cue Notting Hill.)

But, it can be a year that I die to myself daily. It can be a year I get out of my comfort zone. It can be a year that Lord continues to stir my heart for a purpose greater than me. It can be a year that I challenge myself and those around me. It can be a year of trusting God to provide everything I need, not everything I want.

Let’s be honest, actions speak way louder than words. I want to intentionally find ways to live out my faith, rather than just talking about it.

I know both sets of people, those that talk about their faith and continue to live a very mediocre life, and those that when called to action, do it. I want to be the girl that does it. That leaves a legacy of action rather than just words.

Maybe if I do that, then I’ll stop crying about my singleness and dwelling on what I am without.

I’m not asking Him to remove this desire; I’m simply asking Him to make this desire a catalyst to further His kingdom.

This is my Christmas wish. I better sign off before I ask for anything crazy, you know what He says, ask and you shall receive.

I pray He alone fills each void and desire in your heart as well, sweet friends. I still believe that Jesus is better.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20