Loneliness

I am not normally one who is prone to loneliness. I’ve always had a vast amount of friends and family that I am constantly surrounded by, and plus, my “schedule” is never really lacking, per say. Most times my day is filled from dawn to dusk with many different activities.

However, in the past year, after graduation, I have noticed that I have felt lonelier. I think a lot of it has to do with the transition I have been in. I know you’re thinking, “But Lindsee, it’s been almost a year that you’ve been done with school!” And while yes I know that, it has also been a year, if you know what I mean. In taking this job in ministry, that I never planned on doing, my life has been flipped upside down. Ministry, rather than teaching, is a whole different ball game. I have come to find out, that in some sense of the word, it can be a bit lonelier. Your time is spent pouring into different lives here and there, and your work schedule is a bit different than the normal nine to five. Henceforth, getting involved in other things is trickier. And being a sanguine, I need me some folks to be with. It’s just in my blood.

Please don’t hear me complaining about this at all, it’s just things I have observed and learned now that I almost have a year of ministry under my feet. And just for the record, if you haven’t realized by now, I love my job.

Another factor, I think, that contributes to this loneliness is the fact that I don’t know many girls my age that are single and in full time ministry. I am not saying they’re not out there, I just don’t know them. I do know plenty of people in ministry, they, however, have a family to tend to. So, their ministry even looks different than mine.

More than any of these reasons, though, the main reason for this loneliness, is because of the amount of time I spend filling my life with things that I think will satisfy, but ultimately, let me down, leaving me more lonely than before. I spend more time, honestly, chasing after things of this world that are so temporary, than I do chasing after the things of the Lord.

What are these things, you ask? Well, facebook, blogging, commenting, shopping, watching TV., working out, worrying about when and where I might meet my future husband, Girl's Ministry, my appearance, people pleasing, and a handful of countless other things.

Not one of the things I listed is bad, however, each of these things take away sweet time that I could be spending with the Lord, getting to know Him better, and I’ll never get that time back.

Blogging and facebook is certainly a community of social networkers, and to say that I have loved every moment of it is an understatement. And I don’t plan on quitting either of these things any time soon. But, blogging, facebook, and twittering (not that I twitter, but I don’t for a reason) should never replace real face-to-face community. That would be truly unhealthy.

When I spend time with my peeps, whomever they may be, I walk away full and encouraged. Sometimes, however, when I spend hours (and yes, it can be hours) on the social networking sites, I walk away empty. Certainly encouraged at times, but more so walk away with a sense of loneliness.

I’ve thought long and hard as to why this might be, and have searched my own, weary heart, and I’ve come to one conclusion. The conclusion is Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

I have certainly, at times, been more prone to want to stay home and sit online to catch up on everybody’s life instead of going out with friends or family and meeting together with them. No, it’s not all I do, but I don’t want it to become a habit, because that is certainly what Satan wants us as the Day that Christ returns is drawing ever so close. We need each other now more than ever. We were made for people. But, I think we were made for people in a face-to-face relationship, and we cannot forfeit that because of all the networking we have going on. At least, I cannot forfeit it.

I have found that my loneliness is a direct result of how much time I spend on the internet doing “good” things, but things that never fill me up with His presence. Yes, I may get my fair share of facebook or blog comments, but those comments only last for so long leaving me feeling totally empty.

And while words are one of my primary love languages, the Lord is teaching me that His Words are the only ones that stand forever, nor will they return void. Hence why I feel a void after human words.

I have also found that while everything is certainly permissible, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23, not everything is beneficial. I have to evaluate in my life what is beneficial, and follow hard after those things. I can’t be mastered by anything but Jesus. I’m not saying at all that I have these things down, or am even practicing them every day, but I want to, I am trying to. (And while I may be taking that verse slightly out of context, I do believe I can still apply it in this way.)

The fact is, whatever we are longing for, we are going to chase after. I long for all manner of things and chase after them mindlessly. The reason I find myself “chasing after blogging” and other things of that nature is because in my sanguine self, I am so afraid I am going to miss out on something huge if I’m not constantly connected to the outside world. The honest truth, though, is that if I’m not constantly connected to the One who gives life and gives it to the fullest, John 10:10, that is when I am going to miss out on something huge. Only Jesus can give us the life we desire. Sometimes I think Satan has used blogging and facebook in my life to distract me from spending time with Him, thinking that those outlets will give me life, when really, he’s used it to steal, kill and destroy my life. Those things only leave me feeling emptier.

If I am going to follow Him, Mark 1:17, like He commands us to do instead of admire Him from afar like so many of us do, some things in my life have to change. I have to re-arrange my schedule. Not totally give up blogging and facebooking, but just change my priorities. And honestly, as much as I want to think I’ll be missing out if perhaps one day I go without the internet, I have to believe that to be a complete lie. I mean, to think that Beth Moore and I would become BFF because we’re “blog buddies” is completely crazy. Yes, I do love her, but we won’t become BFF because I’m a blog follower.

Only my Jesus can satisfy my every desire and the loneliness I feel in my heart even in a crowded room. I am tired of settling. Tired of the loneliness I feel. Tired of always wanting more, more, more because I’m not satisfied in Him. Tired of being distracted by boys and who I might marry. While I’m single, Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7:35, encourages me to live in “undivided devotion to the Lord.”

He has “set eternity in the hearts of men”, Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us, and that eternity shaped hole, is only something He can fill. To His great Glory!

So, here I am, living in “undivided (or without distraction) devotion to the Lord.”

Lord Jesus, help me!